gardening theory

While weeding today, I came up with some theories regarding gardening. Keep in mind, it was 98°F in the shade and I forgot to take water out there again, so maybe some of these “truths” are only figments born of heat induced delirium….

There is a difference between landscaping and a garden. Landscaping is what you install to ensure your home doesn’t look like it was just plopped down in the middle of a corn field. Oh...it was….never mind. It’s also what your realtor advises you plant to ensure great “curb appeal” and his or her next commission. A garden, on the other hand, is what you plant because you love beautiful, living things. A well thought-out garden will add more value to your home than landscaping….but you don’t care, because that’s not the reason you planted it.

If you don’t enjoy weeding and just being out there, mingling with your plants and the bugs and all nature’s critters, don’t plant a garden. [There are exceptions for spiders and chipmunks. See below.]

Plants are going to do one of two things – grow, or die. I cringe whenever I hear “oh, we had to take that shrub out, it got too big.” Either the garden shop fibbed to you about mature size, or you didn’t believe them. Think a one gallon, two foot Norway Spruce won’t grow into a 100’ tree? Think again! Though they’d kill it on purpose by digging it out, these same folks get upset when a plant/shrub/tree dies on its own. If you don’t want your plants to grow, why not just run over to K-Mart, buy yourself some nice red plastic geraniums, and call it a day?

Shrubs usually don’t grow in round shapes. If you want round shapes in your front yard, I suggest you plant bowling balls. I have a friend whose husband refused to believe that shrubs should be hand-pruned. I had to send her this link
http://www.hort.purdue.edu/ext/HO-4.pdf
so that she could prove her case. Another friend’s husband insists on “ballifying” their shrubs annually. This overwhelming need to ballify seems to be, for the most part, most prevalent in men. Hmmmm…..

I have 'gone green," and am now mowing with this…

Now before you think I’m all noble and everything, the truth is, it was a financial decision. I retain the old-fashioned notion that I shouldn’t hire people I can’t pay, and I can’t afford a “real” (pun intended) mower, either. So far, it hasn’t been as bad as I thought, and there are some advantages. I can mow at Oh-dark-hundred without upsetting my neighbors. My garage doesn’t stink like gasoline. I don’t need a gym membership. It does an OK job, for the most part. It actually cuts through the thicker grass fairly well. It’s the thin scraggly stuff under the trees that, as I head its direction, lies prone before the mower, as though saying, wait, wait until I grow some more, I can’t live like this! Actually, a goat would probably do a better job, but would leave gifts behind, and I already have enough of that with Jasmine.

Chipmunks are vermin. They are not cute. They build multi-family multi-generation chipmunk condos in your backyard, dig up the foundation of your house, and dig up every plant you put in. Right now, they're mocking me and my poison peanuts. Give them pool passes every chance you get.

Wear clothes when you garden. Yes, I know that should be evident. You won’t get that much of a tan while gardening, anyway. The point here is, spider bites are not fun. Currently, I have a forearm half the size of Montana. It’s red, swollen, and itchy. I’m lucky, from what I hear, that I didn’t have an anaphylactic reaction.

I swore I wouldn’t whine about the heat this year, considering the duration of last winter. I may have to renege on that promise. The temperatures here have been insane….and I’m headed that direction. Bring your rake, your garden gloves, and a six pack, maybe two….I promise, you'll be entertained.