10 years later

50 was a good year. I changed my life after that. At 35, I was still stupid.

I don’t know where to start. I’ve been busy, and it’s been too long.

A year ago last week, I got the job offer, and it’s been whirlwind can’t-get-my-feet-under-me until recently. I now see that there were so many people and things and experiences and events that led me to this place. It really does seem to be true that people cycle in and out of your life for a reason. It just doesn’t seem like a good reason at the time, especially if those people are inflicting pain on a daily basis.

About the job, first. CFO of a not-for-profit social services agency. Good causes, multiple locations and disciplines, 350 +/- employees, in complete disarray when I got there. I have wonderful employees. Intellectual challenges. Never a boring day.

On the other hand, the CEO and the commute are…well…not ideal. Some days, barely tolerable. I come home, drink a glass of wine (OK, maybe two), and drop into bed, exhausted.

I couldn’t have done it without the influence of one of my former bosses. I hadn’t been working for her but a few weeks, when she told me I’d find people drawn to me, sharing confidences, looking for guidance. After years of ridicule from the ex, I thought she was out of her mind…until it started happening. That was the first time I ever saw myself in any kind of leadership role, whether named or not.

I couldn’t have done it without all that I learned by living with my ex. I know it sounds insane to be grateful for having lived with a misogynistic, egotistical jackass with personality disorders, but those years taught me to recognize that same set of disorders in others, which came in handy when, in only two short weeks into my new job, the CEO came stomping down to my office to shriek and shame and bellow and try like hell to make me feel deficient in some way. I had an immediate knee jerk reaction and an ah-ha moment at the same time. My CEO makes my ex look like a nice, normal, even-keeled guy, if that tells you anything.

I couldn’t have done it without the friends who believed in me, who knew enough to know I’d get there, come hell or high water, who know me well enough to know I don’t give up. The surprise there was finding out who was rooting for me to get there, and who’d rather see me fail, or at the very least, didn’t think I had what it takes.

I couldn’t have done it without the guy who reappeared in my life ten years ago, who made me feel like I was worth something (at least intellectually), convincing me that I was not who the husband said I was, giving me the shove I needed to begin the process of change.

And what a long, brutal, terrifying 10-year process that was.

But I’m here, now, survived, and hopeful for even better things to come.