*No, I don’t like camping. Never have. Never will. Don’t even try to convince me otherwise. My definition of camping is no room service and no coffee available as soon as my feet hit the morning floor.
*You are not as cute as you think you are when you’re drunk.
*Getting me drunk will not make you look cuter. Bad news for you - I can keep my wits about me no matter how much booze you pour down my throat. Try that on an 18-year-old instead. OH. You did. [For the record, I don’t think women are cute when they’re stupid drunk, either.]
*There is not a chance in hell I’m going out with you if you send me a text at 6:45pm on a Saturday night. Seriously, I’m way over booty calls. Develop some manners and ask me out properly at least 36 hours in advance, and you might have a chance. It’s called respect.
*If I hear you say you don’t want any drama, I’m not going to believe a word of it. I’m betting you not only love drama, you thrive on it, and you most likely create it all yourself to get your kicks. I’ve had enough of drama-kings. Your head games bore me. Watch me run like the wind in the opposite direction.
*Listing yourself on match.com as ‘separated’ when you’re not isn’t cool. A bimbo might not catch that, but I can.
*I really don’t have a penchant for guys in uniforms, and I don’t care what color or how many stripes that uniform has either. If you’re sincere about a job that requires you to wear one, fine. It’s those guys who wear it arrogantly and only for the attention a uniform garners that I take issue with. It’s been my experience, too, that a guy with more than one “uniform” career may have authority issues.
*I’m not impressed with the stereo in your car. Woofers, tweeters, whatever you call ‘em, I don’t care. I’d rather we had a conversation.
*It would be very cool if you could cook. I mean really cook, not just burn something over a grill. But please, I beg you - expand your epicurean repertoire beyond fried chicken, steak, and French fries. Chicken wings is not a food group.
* Chewing gum makes you look like a cow.
*I can learn a lot about you from seeing you at work and your interaction with others. If you bully your employees or lie to your clients, I will know you’d treat me the same.
*Liars, prevaricators, and Joe Cools need not apply.
*Those of you with WDS* need not apply either.
By now, all you Y’s have probably thrown up your hands.
“What,” you ask, “do you women want?”
It’s simple, really. Security. Fidelity. A friend.
The thing is, I know what you look like. I know the sound of your voice. I know you’re out there somewhere.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Mr. Wright!
***
* You figure it out.
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