Shoe Box People

Now I’m prone to putting off unpleasantries just as much as the next guy, but some parts of life are inevitable. Christmas, housework, weeds, the dentist….and of course, taxes.

Being a CPA, I have a bird’s eye view of the latter and I just want to say one thing right up front – it happens pretty much the same time every year, people.

I’m very popular this time of year. I have friends I didn’t know I had. The phone starts to ring the second week of April, usually about the 12th.

There are many types of tax clients. Last Minute Callers. First In Line. Shoebox People. I’m So Smart I Can Do Everything Myself People.

First In Line People are typically fairly easy to work with, though they can’t comprehend why they don’t have their W-2s on January 5th, and are very annoyed with their employers’ perceived sloth. These folks are prone to using The Bank of Uncle Sam for their savings account, and are in a big hurry to see how large their nest egg has grown – never mind that it “grew” interest-free.

I’m So Smart I Can Do Everything Myself People are dreadful. They are usually smart (or think they are) and good at what they do (ditto), but their self-perceived intelligence causes arrogance about the complexities of the Tax Code. I frequently see electrical engineers, lawyers, some doctors, and college students in this group. Mightily they struggle with the forms and calculations until the due date, only to come up with an answer they don’t like; only then do they call in the professionals….maybe. They may wait until the first Notice of Completely Screwed Up Return comes in to cry for help. If you’re a CPA, do yourself a favor, and charge these people double your billing rate. Call it the Hassle Factor. Even if you rescue them, they will not be grateful, nor will they acknowledge that your expertise might be a skosh better than their own, given the fact you do, say, hundreds of these a year as opposed to, say, their one or two. Your expensive software might be a wee bit better than theirs, too. They are going to be indignant as hell because you’ve embarrassed them by proving them fallible.

I find Last Minute Callers fall into two camps: those with only a few scraps of paper (Les Petit Papiers), and those with shoe boxes full of random receipts (The Shoe Box People).

Les Petit Papiers come with little or no information yet expect their accountant to be psychic. But no, sadly, I cannot guestimate your income. Nor can I tell you where you lost your W-2, no matter how beseechingly you look at me while you beg. They look like puppies. These types will dribble in the necessary information, piece by piece, but only with frequent prompting. It’s as though they think I’ll just ‘forget’ about the missing information and prepare the return via three-way séance with the government and banking agencies.

The Shoe Box People are more prevalent. They walk in as though they’re bearing gifts to the Magi, and usually dump the contents of a boot-sized Florsheim box on my desk with the same proud look your cat has when she drops a mouse at your feet. But alas…once you’ve plumbed the depths of that shoebox (ATM withdrawal slips will not give me any idea what you spent that cash on) you will find as little useful information as the folks with the three pieces of paper in hand.

The trouble with both flavors of Last Minute Callers is that they get upset with any bill more than what they’d pay for dinner for two at Chili’s. This is problematic, as usually you have to invest at least 10 hours or more with these people to get anything you’d be willing to sign your name to.

I was thinking of changing careers again. Maybe I won’t. Where else can you be so entertained at get paid for it?!