hope

I’ve lost hope, and that was all I had left to keep me going.

I keep thinking back, trying to figure out where I made the fatal error that brought me to this situation. Was it divorcing? Letting my (then) husband convince me to quit my last public accounting job before I could be hired away as a controller by one of their clients? Dropping my own clients, years later, because he threatened me? What have I done wrong? Which piece of the puzzle that is my life is misplaced? I’m wracking my brain, looking for the mistake, so I can fix it.

I graduated 18th out of a high school class of 402. I earned a full four year scholarship to college. I was a mostly straight-A student. I sent myself back to college nine years later for accounting while working both a full time and part time job. I tested out of most of the accounting classes and went directly to sit for the CPA exam. I took it back in the days when it was given in a large conference room with no computers or calculators, essay questions were part of the exam, and it spanned two and a half days. I passed it all the first time.

But somehow, I’ve failed.

For over a year I’ve tried to find challenging work at a company who needs me, where I can make a difference. I have always wanted to help a company grow by providing the best possible financial information, so that the owners could see the results of any decisions they made and do what they do best – manage their company – without having to worry about the recordkeeping and reporting that is part of business.

No one, it seems, wants me. My only offer? A part time clerical job. And right now, I’m not even sure I have that.

Meanwhile, I see people with half my experience, unable to string together a logical sentence or work an Excel spreadsheet without formula errors or prepare a budget or make a decision and stick to it…all of them employed, and not just in ordinary jobs, but good solid positions. Directors. Vice Presidents. CFO’s. I don’t know how they got there or how they manage stay where they are. When did mediocrity become the norm, acceptable, even an advantage?

If being good at what you do is not the way out of this mess, what is?